Who am I?

Who am I that you would be interested in me, that you would care for the hair on my head, or the injuries I have. Who am I that it will interest you to know that I am eating and breathing well. Who am I that you would care for the fact that I have a job that I am interested in or that I have a nice home to live in.

Who am I that I will deserve your love and concern, that you would be interested to know to about the demons I fight or the insecurities I face when I look at myself in the mirror. Who am I that you actually care to comfort me in my time of pain and offer me a shoulder to lean on during my time of trial and distress. Who am I that you would invest time, care and love in me.

I am nothing but a speck of dust on this earth, part of the millions of people who come and go. I am the light that dies in a second, the one that flickers and pass on. I am selfish and deceitful, I want things my way and I think only about myself, I refuse to put someone before my well being. I am filled with nothing but sheer humanity, I want only fame, wealth and power in my life, I want to be a step better than the next people. My sinful nature fills me and drives me to make the wrong decisions or compromise my morals.

Yet you love me with all your heart, you look pass my heart and see the good in me. You love me so much that you send your son to die for me, you gave me unconditional love that my human mind will never understand. I don't know why you are interested in me and my well being, I don't know why you care for me, I don't even know why you love me so much that you are willing to forgive my sin and send your son to die for me, but I am glad you do.

Be patient with me and teach me your ways, transform me into the woman you want me to be.

When I consider your heavens,

the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars

which you have set in place 

what is mankind that you are mindful of them, 

human beings that you care for them?

Psalm 8: 3-4

Faith in the moments of Uncertainty

Having been jobless for quite some time, I feel a sense of uncertainty in my future. In a Singapore where everything is moving so fast, it is normal for many fresh grads to get a job the moment they graduate. The intensity in this job search is quite high and having graduate a year before, I do feel that sense of pressure.

I have been a Christian since I was born, but I only started to take my walk with god much more seriously in the recent months. Relying on God to provide for a job is easier said that done, but I am not giving up on his providence in my life. I have been applying for jobs for about 3 weeks now, I have sent 10 applications and only got 1 interview back. This type of anticipation for a job-interview call is nerve wrecking. Some days I wake up and go "God is in control, he will provide a job!" and other days it is "God help me! I am losing faith". It is not easy to keep my eyes on God despite my circumstances, but a friend of mine has been reminding me to praise God in the little sufferings, such that in the bigger sufferings I can praise him. I was watching Sonia and Andy's vlog about their miscarriage and I was greatly touched by how they were still determined to praise God despite their loss. I know this is maybe one of the few easy adversities I will face, in comparison to the bigger sufferings that are going to hit me in the future.

This week church sermon message hit me hard, it reminded me to keep my eyes on God and not to lose faith in him, no matter my circumstances. My Open Door, which God will provide, will be open soon!

"This is my prayer in the desert

When all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and he is here"

-Desert Song, Hillsong